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Miggs Out, Rude In

copyright 2003, by Screaming Lamb

Disclaimer:    These characters were created by Thomas Harris.  They are used herein without permission, but in the spirit of admiration and respect.  No infringement of copyright is intended, and no profit, of any kind, is made by the creator, maintainer or contributors to this site.

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In the dark, deep cellar of the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, outside the bars through which every possible bodily fluid has been flung , stood a middle aged man wearing a loud plaid suit and a burlesque orderly with a voice unnaturally high. Beyond the bars in the depths of the cell, enveloped in blankets and foul odours, a still figure slept soundly and silently.

“Miggs! Wake up! You have a visitor.”

The foul-smelling figure rose sharply. “Visitor? For me? Is it….is it HER? I can still smell her cu-”

“Shut your dirty mouth Miggs! And no, it‘s NOT “her“. It‘s a man. Says his name is Stuart something. He even looks like you but smells a lot better.”

It didn’t take long for Dr. Chilton and Barney to secure Miggs for the journey up to the second floor visiting area. The three men shuffling awkwardly up the stairs were a strange sight. One man extremely bright; one man lost in his own world; and one man a complete and total idiot. Of the three, Dr. Chilton was not the extremely bright man; nor was he the man lost in his own world.

The trio arrived at the second floor and stood outside the door of the secure visiting lounge. Peering through the small single square window, they could see the silhouette of an unusual-looking man reclining on one of the ghastly orange armchairs. Upon seeing the man’s face, Dr. Chilton would certainly have issued a warning of an escaped inmate had it not been for the fact that Miggs was standing right next to him.

A turn of the door handle and Miggs was shoved through. “You have ten minutes, Miggs; we’ll be waiting. Now try not to make an ass of yourself!”

The mysterious visitor rose stiffly from his seat and cast a critical eye upon the jumpsuit-clad inmate.

“You? YOU’RE Miggs? I.P. Miggs??”

“Yyyeaaaahhh that’s me!”

“OH. MY. GOD. What WAS my agent thinking??!”

“Who are you mister?”

“I’m Stuart Rudin.” Mr Rudin politely extended his hand to Miggs. Instead of shaking it, Miggs grabbed the other man’s fingers and tried to put them in his mouth.

“Hey, what the hell are you doing?!” Stuart managed to pry his hand away, but only after Miggs clamped his teeth around the little finger.

“I’m doing what my friend the doctor in the cell next to mine taught me! He said it’s good to eat the rude and you said your name is Mister RUDE-IN!”

“You’re more disturbed than I thought you were! I was prepared for ‘disturbed’ but wasn’t expecting THIS! Aren‘t you capable of saying anything even partly intelligent?”

“Well, yeah….um, I saw a girl today and I could smell her cu-”

“Never mind, I don’t need to hear your filthy language! I just wanted to meet you, see your mannerisms, and - “

“You want to SEE? See me bite my wrist so I can diiieeeee ha ha ha ha hee hee ha ha…”

Stuart rolled his eyes and prayed that this would be his first and last visit to this particular place.

“Don’t talk - just sit there and let me look at you! Geez, you’re an absolute mess! Just look at yourself! I’ve never seen such greasy hair in my life! Don’t they provide shampoo in this institution?”

“Boycott SHAMpoo - demand REAL poo!!!” Miggs’ eyes practically bulged with glee as he laughed himself into a coughing fit.

“Oh God, why?! Why did I get cast to play YOU, of all people? I’m a respected character actor! Someday I’ll probably co-direct my own theatre company and maybe even appear on Law and Order!”

Miggs only responded by producing a puddle of drool that rivalled the Pacific Ocean in size.

“That’s it! I’ve never been so insulted in all my career! I wish you didn’t exist! Then I wouldn’t have to play such a pathetic, humiliating part!” Then Stuart had an idea.

“Hey Miggs, you’re pretty vulnerable, aren’t you? If someone suggests you do something you always do it, don‘t you?”


“Miggs, look at me. Look into my eyes.”

Miggs did exactly as he was told.

“Now Miggs, listen to me. Listen carefully. Tonight, when the lights are out, why don’t you try swallowing your tongue. Swallow it and choke.”

Miggs’ eyes glazed over and spittle ran down his chin.

“Yeah. Swallow my tongue so I can dieeeee?”

“Yes. Swallow it! Swallow your tongue. You can do it!”

“Okay. Yeah.”

Just then, Barney rapped on the window and opened the door.

“Sorry Mr. Rudin, but time’s up. Chilton’s orders.”

“Oh that’s quite all right Barney, Thank you. It’s been a most enlightening visit.”

Patting Miggs on the shoulder, Stuart Rudin left without another word.

The next morning, Miggs would be found dead in his cell, having swallowed his own tongue.

In the following days, Hannibal Lecter would be blamed for the death of Miggs, and he would neither admit to it nor deny it. If Dr. Lecter knew about what transpired during Miggs’ mysterious visit, he would probably not want the public to know that the soft-spoken unknown actor managed to accomplish what he himself could not. And for years to come, only one man would know the embarrassing truth about Miggs.


copyright 2003, by Screaming Lamb

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