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Retrospect
copyright 2003, by Mel
Disclaimer:
These characters were
created by Thomas
Harris. They are used herein without permission, but in the spirit of
admiration and respect. No infringement of copyright is intended, and no
profit, of any kind, is made by the creator, maintainer or contributors to this
site.
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PART 4
The sound of a key
in the lock woke Clarice with a start, she must have fallen asleep. Ardelia
was home. Clarice hurriedly wiped her teary eyes and took a deep breath
to restore her calm, as the remnants of her dreams came back to her. She
was going to dream of that scene as long as she lived. It had been almost
a week since he had vanished from the face of the earth, a week since
she had aided his clean departure from the gruesome crime-scene that was
Krendler's last stand.
"Hey Clarice." Ardelia Mapp entered Clarice's living room by
way of the kitchen they shared.
"Hey Ardelia. How's work?"
Ardelia smiled wryly. She wasn't sure how to respond to Clarice's flippancy.
She had expected there to be some jealousy, some animosity stemming from
her dismissal, but there was none that she could perceive. More alarming
to Mapp was the fact that Starling had not mentioned Lecter at all, not
once. Denial was not a word she knew to be in Clarice Starling's vocabulary.
All she could do, however, was wait. Choosing not to answer the pointed
question, she asked instead:
"Did you eat yet? I thought maybe we could go out."
Clarice screwed up her face a little. She still wasn't up to public appearances
yet. The Tattler was still having its field day with the events on the
Verger estate and the house on the river. She couldn't wait to be yesterday's
news.
"Take out?" She offered as a compromise. "We can go pick
it up, get some fresh air."
"Alright," Mapp nodded. "Just give me a second to change
ok?"
The two women picked out a reputable, local Chinese restaurant that was fairly close. The drive was mostly quiet except for comments about other drivers and the weather. When they arrived at the establishment, it seemed everybody in Arlington had had the same idea tonight, there was queue along the counter, reaching to the door. Parking the car, Starling shrugged and got out to join the line. If there was one thing she had in abundance, it was time.
The eatery space was small and hot, the fluorescent lights a little too bright in Clarice's eyes as they stood. The queue was moving very slowly. Ardelia was talking, but Clarice was concentrating on a fresh wave of nausea that was making her want to double over. She took a deep breath and prayed that she wouldn't be sick here. The voices around her seemed to lose all clarity, and the warmth of the place turned stifling. As she thought about taking off her jacket, Clarice's vision suddenly clouded and blurred. Oh god not now…. she thought desperately, but the blur of faces that had turned to her faded to black, and she slumped down, half caught by Ardelia.
**
When she awoke, Clarice
was in the back seat of her own Mustang, and Ardelia Mapp was trying to
drive and look back anxiously at her friend at the same time.
"What? What happened? Where are we?"
Ardelia heaved a visible sigh of relief.
"My god, you're awake. You gave me such a fucking fright!" She
swallowed, and continued more calmly. "We're on our way to the Emergency
Room. I want you to get checked out."
"There's no need, really," Clarice began to protest. "I'm
just worn out, is all."
"Whatever, but for my peace of mind ok? You seem to have forgotten
but you were the hostage of he-who-shall-be-nameless not a week ago. Who
knows what that sick fuck did to you? You just don't know."
Clarice stifled a protest. This was harder than she ever thought. She
constantly battled with herself not to defend him to others. It made her
want to cry with frustration. She remained silent and let Ardelia cluck
over her like some mother hen.
Forgoing Ardelia's
company in the exam room at the ER, Clarice finally began to wonder what
had made her pass out like that. She stared absently at the wall as a
doctor ran a battery of basic tests, checked her eyes, pulse, blood pressure,
drew a blood sample. In the midst of her reverie, she realized he was
speaking to her.
"Did you eat anything today Miss Starling? It is Miss, isn't it?"
"Yes, and no. I mean, yes it's Miss, and no, I was on my way to get
my dinner…."
"Have you been sick in the past week or two? Any other illness apart
from the nausea and the fainting?"
"It was just the once, thanks. And no, no major illness."
"Any traumatic experiences, death in the family, anything like that?"
"No," she half lied.
"Is there any chance you could be pregnant, Miss?"
"No - there's…." her voice trailed off as she seemed to
lose all feeling in her jaw, the full impact of the question seeming to
smack her between the eyes.
The ER doctor lowered his head to meet Clarice's downcast eyes.
"I take it that this might be a possibility?" He had lowered
his voice.
"I-" she croaked, swallowed hard and nodded. "I guess…"
she finished weakly.
"Well this blood will tell us what we need to know. I'll be back
shortly."
"Please you have to-" she put out her arm to stop him. "You
can't breathe a word of this."
"Don't worry, I couldn't if I wanted to. Part of the job. Just try
and relax now, please? It'll be ok."
Clarice watched the
door close shut behind the white-coated medic and sunk her face into her
hands. Every nerve in her body came up on edge, and a tension that was
neither pleasant nor unpleasant took hold of her. She didn't need the
results of that blood test, suddenly she knew. It was true. Warring thoughts
crowded her mind. She was so happy she wanted to sing out, and so terrified
she wanted to crawl under the bed and hide from the world. She had never
wanted children, but the thought of this one, growing inside her gave
her a feeling of bliss she never imagined possible. On the other hand,
she had some fast talking to do, and a great deal of lying and subterfuge
was apparent in her immediate future. Good, bad, positive, negative, real,
unreal, funny, scary? All of these things, and more, were the complicated
emotions assailing Clarice. She sat in stunned, beatific silence. The
doctor returned to the room a few minutes later.
"Alright I'm going to discharge you, and I'll call you in the morning
when I have firm results for you. Drink lots of water, and get a good
meal down you ok?"
Clarice nodded, still looking a little like the proverbial deer in headlights.
"Are you going to be ok, I mean, you have support?"
"I'll be fine." Was all she could get out.
"OK then, speak to you tomorrow," he replied, unconvinced. "You
friend is waiting just down the corridor.
Ardelia was, indeed waiting.
"Let's just get back the house ok, we'll talk there."
Ensconced on the sofa
with steaming mugs of coffee, Clarice and Ardelia eyed each other suspiciously.
Ardelia feared some terminal illness, Clarice feared she was not a good
enough liar.
"I'm pregnant." She blurted out. In the silent wake of her confession
she continued. "They're going to call me in the morning with the
test results, but I already know."
"Clarice!" Mapp breathed. "What -" What she really
wanted to know was 'Who?'
Clarice hesitated, feeling very much caught between a rock and a hard
place. Her loyalties were stretched to breaking point here. She felt she
owed Mapp something, but at what price?
"It's not.... it' wasn't.." Mapp stumbled. "Lecter?"
Deep in thought Ardelia was speaking quietly. "Though nothing in
his files ever suggested sex crimes, he is too courteous for that..
And it's not like you two were, well, I know you respected him but,"
she threw her head back and laughed. "Can you imagine?" She
continued chuckling to herself like it was some big joke. The laughter
soon lost its warmth however, and Clarice could almost hear the cogs and
wheels turning.
She marvelled briefly at Ardelia's mind, still seeking out the salient
points despite having nothing to do with this file for some eight years.
That clarity might be dangerous for she and Lecter.
"A one night stand," Clarice lied, biting the bullet. "About
two weeks ago. I had a date with a guy from work."
Mapp had spent a weekend out of town roughly around that time. It seemed
as good a time for a fake date as any to Clarice.
"And you-" she laughed, half relieved, half disbelieving, "You
secretive little thing you! Oh Clarice!" She pulled Starling into
a tight hug. "I thought there was something really wrong!"
"I'm good Ardelia, really, I'm ok." She tried gently to fend
off the attentions. "I'm… happy, I guess." Starling had
always detested liars, but the untruths flowed smoothly from her tongue.
"I want to keep it, but I don't want him. I just want to be on my
own. I'm ready."
"You won't tell him?"
Starling shook her head and frowned at Ardelia's disapproving look.
"It's my life." She said petulantly.
"Well, you may change your mind about telling him sooner or later."
Starling gave her best 'don't count on it' look and Mapp conceded defeat,
at least for the moment.
"This is big, girlfriend. Are you sure?"
"Well what's the alternative?" Clarice countered, appealing
to Ardelia's core of ethics. It worked; her face darkened for a second
then she hugged Clarice again.
"OK then. Let's get you something to eat."
It was near midnight when Clarice managed to escape to bed, and finally be alone. She made sure her bedroom door was tight shut then went and sat, cross-legged, atop her bed. She raised her eyes skywards and grinned like an idiot. She put her hand to her flat stomach and tried to understand fully the wonderful thing that had happened, but only intellectually did she know any difference. She was carrying Hannibal Lecter's child. Now, more than ever, she needed to exercise caution. A wave of sadness passed through her as she wished a futile wish that she could somehow tell him. A secondary train of though intruded, demanding that she consider that his reaction may not be the one she hoped for. She put this from her mind, but the doubt lingered there.
Over the next few days, Clarice composed numerous personal ads, but none made it further than her trash can. Contacting him would almost certainly mean trouble, for both of them. He would be thrown into some dank asylum again, this time probably only coming out for the needle. This thought was enough to make her cool her heels and think some more. It was all working out for the best, she mused. Lecter had his long-coveted freedom and she, well even though she didn't have him, she had a piece of him that would be hers forever. As the days turned to weeks, she grew used to being alone. The only company she required was the warm secret close to her heart, and the life in her belly. She was withdrawing from her old life, gradually, spending more and more time alone, talking and singing to the life inside her. When nobody was listening, she told it about its father.
FIN
PART 4 of 5